Same Vranje, different crap

The year is 2058! The Director of the Serbian government’s Office for Kosovo and Metohija, Marko Djuric is holding a press conference at the state demarcation line between Serbia and the town of Vranje, somewhere near Vladicin Han, apropos the arrival of the special train from Belgrade that bears the caption “Vranje is Serbia”, written in 21 different languages.

The train’s interior is painted with the frescos featuring Sofka and Kostana and the iconostasis of the most popular gastronomic specialties from Vranje. The idea is, as Djuric tells the journalists, for the train to enter the northern part of Vranje to illustrate the determination of the Serbian government on preserving this part of the holy Serbian soil and the fight for the establishment of the Community Vranje Municipalities (ZVO).

“You see, ladies and gentlemen, when, 40 years ago, President Vucic told you that if we did not establish the demarcation line between us and the Albanians, we would be fighting for Vranje, nobody believed him. Except me! But please, don’t worry, we are leading 7:0 in this game”, Djuric said in a tone resembling that of the sports commentator, Milojko Pantic.

In these past 40 years, Marko practiced Milojko Pantic’s voice in announcing the results of the Serbian government because people had objected that his broadcasts of the grandiose victories of the Serbian government were a bit monotonous.

“Long live Serbia, long live Vranje!” Djuric exclaimed in Milojko’s voice which he had been practicing for 40 years.

The year is 2058! The leaders of the Serbian opposition parties are having a press conference regarding the latest crisis on the border with Vranje.

“Whatever they touch, the Progressives turn into a huge crap. Pardon! I did not mean to say crap but Vranje. So, the Progressives and President Vucic’s policy is about making huge crap. Pardon again, I meant to say Vranje. This policy of theirs is all about making unbelievable crap. I mean Vranje! The result is that, in these last 46 years, which is how long the Progressives have been in power, Serbia is now on its knees. But, please, don’t worry, we just need to sort out a few more things before we form a solid opposition alliance. After we do that, Vucic and SNS would be the thing of our ugly, half-a-century-long past”, the Serbian opposition leaders said at the press conference called “Same Vranje, Different Crap”.

The year is 2058! Press associations are protesting in front of the government building in Nemanjina Street, under the slogan “I Stand With Vranje”, as a counter-attack on the campaign “I Stand With Vranjske”, held 41 years ago on the occasion of closing down Novine Vranjske (The Vranje Newspaper), at the time when Vranje was still Serbian and had one free media outlet.

“Now, Serbia does not have any free media, and Vranje is not free, which proves that there is no Serbian Vranje without free media,” said the representatives of all eight press associations who are, by the way, not talking to each other.

The year is 2058! The cover page of the Informer bears the following title – “Vucic predicted that crap would happen in Vranje!” The newspaper describes the genesis of the Vranje problem, saying that the prophetic family called the Tarabici from the village of Kremna had certain premonitions about Vranje. And then, exactly 40 years ago, President Vučić wisely predicted:”I tell you, there will be crap happening in Vranje in 40 years’ time”.

The year is 2058! The main news on N1 TV, which has been broadcasting on the private YouTube channel of Jugoslav Cosic for the past 35 years, reports about one the key promises of President Aleksandar Vucic finally coming true.

“The average salary could be 500 euro next year, because at the moment, it stands at 448 euro. However, one of Vucic’s promises has been fulfilled: Vranje is no longer part of Serbia!” said a journalist, who took the statement from Aleksandar Martinovic, the head of the SNS parliamentary caucus.

“Forty years ago, President Vucic showed that he can smell crap from far away. Pardon, I wanted to say that President Vucic showed that he could rescue Vranje 40 years in advance!” Martinovic explained, who, in the meantime, in the last 40 years, has managed to correct his speech impediment and now speaks fluently like the late Draza Petrovic.

The year is 2058! Not everything is so bleak in Serbia. Kija and Sloba joined the eighteenth season of the reality show “Zadruga”. However, unlike the first season, when they were divorced, this season they re-married in a church that was specially built for this occasion on the TV Pink estate in Simanovci.

The year is 2058!  The husband of the murdered singer from Borča is again in prison, this time because he ran the red light in the town centre.

“What this shows is that his concentration is slipping and that he will finally admit that he is a killer, because criminologists say that people who fail to notice a red traffic light are usually hiding a terrible secret”, Interior Minister Nebojsa Stefanovic explains. In the meantime, Stefanovic became doctor of science twice. The title of this doctoral theses were – “The Impact of the Murder in Borča on the Overall Economic Development of Pčinje District” and “Crappy Situation in Vranje”.

The year is 2058! Vranje is no longer an integral part of Serbia, but crap is!

By Draža Petrović

(N1, 01.08.2018)

Photo credits: N1 / Bodan Mijović

This post is also available in: Italiano

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